Holy Guacamole!

     Disclaimer: Thank goodness many years ago I sent my tortilla chip bravely into the chunky green dip termed Guacamole and began my love affair with this most delicious dish! Yum yum!
     Two weeks from yesterday, aka LESS THAN TWO WEEKS now, I will wake up super early, travel to the airport with my family (A), say my goodbyes, transfer in Atlanta, land at the Baltimore Washington airport (B), meet loads of new people, board a bus to travel another hour and a half to Blue Ridge Summit, Pennsylvania (C), meet my roommates and all the other JVs serving in the Northeast region of the country this year, explore the values of JVC in an intense and welcoming orientation for about 4 days, then get in a car with my community members and drive five hours north to my new home in Syracuse (D).

AND THEN the fun really begins!

    Needless to say I am realizing how soon all of this is happening for me. I have many goodbyes to say and packing to begin (although lists have been made so step one is done). I have to get my heart to understand what my head already knows; that everything is going to be okay. My head knows that this is the best thing I could be doing with my life at this time, it (unfortunately) feels right not to be going back to SLU this fall, it feels right not to be going to grad school or searching for a big-person job just yet. I am meant to do this year of service. Ever since I heard what JVC was my first year at SLU I knew I was meant to do this. My head is very smart, it knows this is the best move I can make for myself and it knows this is where God wants me to be.

    But my heart, well, it needs to catch up. It is lost in the confusion of happiness and discomfort, of security and loneliness, of caring and being cared for, etc. It is excited and sooo anxious and worried as well. And so, I trust. I trust that my heart and my head will be on the same page soon, I trust that in two weeks I will be ready. Ready to board that plane, then that bus, and begin what is to be one of the best years of my life. I trust that I have many more people to meet in this world who I will one day consider to be my family, I trust that I have much to give and many to give it to, and I trust that this year I will grow in more ways than I can imagine. (Okay my heart is having a hard time trusting all of these things right now but my head is doing it's best at convincing.) [Do I sound bipolar? Sorry, I am just trying to explain the great divide going on in my self and attempt to illustrate the bridge being built between the two sides.]

     Don't get me wrong, I AM EXCITED! I hope Syracuse is ready for this girl! And I hope they are well stocked with avocados so the guacamole making can begin!!!

Affirmed

     When I was still in school people would ask me "What are you studying?" to which I would respond "I am majoring in Theology and minoring in Social Work." What would follow is a standard conversation where the other person says they have a friend who is a social worker and how much good a social worker does even though it is a challenging job. I would nod and agree, because the above statement is in fact true, but what I really was thinking is how much people ignored the fact that I have an interest in God and that (if they knew me going into college) I am somehow a disappointment because I am no longer a biology major on track to be a doctor.
     Now that I have graduated people ask me "What's next?" to which I respond "I am doing a year of volunteer work and then going to graduate school." Of course, then the next question is "What do you want to do with grad school?" And obviously the real question is "What the hell are you going to do with your individual life to secure a substantial sum of money and make a name for yourself to not be a waste of space and resources?" (Okay so my brain exaggerates on that a bit and it sounds harsh but I do feel like people are testing me to make sure I have started planning for the future and are being critical of my response to see if it matches what their idea of successful is.) Upon answering the question with "I am hoping to pursue a career in Ministry by getting a Masters of Divinity and work with young adults in high school or college" I see the approval of grad school wash over the other person's face only to be replaced by a fleeting expression of confusion which leads into an attempted (forced) expression of understanding and acceptance. To not be rude most people then try to save face saying "So you want to be a religion teacher, that's great. I hear there is a new pope." Head.Drop.Eyes.Roll. REALLY PEOPLE!?
     Okay, this isn't supposed to be me complaining, this is just to show you the typical reaction I get from people who don't quite understand what I want to do and therefore certainly don't understand why I want to do it either. There are people however that get it, really get it, and for those people I am sooo thankful!

     Last week I facilitated a high school girls' junior retreat at Bergamo center (associated with University of Dayton and Marianist but I smile with pride and claim the Jesuits as my own!). I have a passion for going on and leading retreats because of the marvelous opportunities that retreats are to get to know ones' self, others, and God more each time. I have met some of my best friends on retreat, gotten reacquainted with others, claimed my faith as my own, broken down, cried for hours due to sadness and joy, experienced the healing of forgiveness, and more. 

     Last week I was affirmed in my calling to go into ministry; it is a vocation really. A passion that God has given me to help others through love, acceptance, sharing stories, crying, healing, and affirmation. There is one part of the retreat, the closing, that involves an activity called Silent Affirmation...it isn't entirely silent but it is affirming! Each person is able to tell the others in the small group how much they matter and how important they are in the world and in each other's lives. It is beautiful; it is pure love that breaks down stereotypes, unhinges closed off emotions, and quite possibly saves a life. I believe that ministry is where I am called and I know that not everyone understands that but I say thank you to those who do. And I thank the girls I worked with last week for affirming my passion and vocation. 

All Dogs Go to Heaven

Buddy dog. 

      As wonderful and fun as July 4th is, and was this year, July 1st will forever be the day we had to put our Buddy dog down. Buddy was 11 and we had him since we was a puppy. I distinctly remember the day that my sister and I were home with my Dad and we told him that we wanted a puppy. He said okay, looked in the paper and then called my mom asking "What color? Yellow, brown, or black?" to which she replied "NNNOOOOO!!!!!" (Maggie and I thought that we had worked some type of magic and upon our request to get a puppy suddenly we were getting one! In all reality, Mom and Dad had talked about it and although Mom was almost entirely opposed my dad convinced her that she should not deny her children the enjoyment she (and my dad) had had when they were kids with their family dogs. Did you follow that?) So she gave in, said "yellow" and then Dad, Maggie, and I got into the car and started driving to get a puppy!

     We got to the breeder's house and they brought in the males for us to play with. I remember there being a  yellow and a brown lab that we were playing with. The yellow, who we wanted because it was the color Mom actually agreed to, was sooooo boring! He would not play and would not act perky and fun but the little brown one was all over the place and full of energy! Maggie and I were content to keep playing with both of them, and tried to convince Dad that we needed two (apparently we had exceeded our magic quota for the day because that request was definitely not going to happen). Dad knew we needed to make a decision and take one puppy home so he looked at the brown one, full of energy but not the color we wanted, and then at the yellow one, boring but the color we wanted, and pleaded with the yellow "Please start playing, please show us some energy and personality!" And I'm not exaggerating when I say, the yellow one responded almost immediately and was suddenly all energetic and fun! That sealed the deal and we took home the yellow lab puppy!

     Deciding upon a name was a challenge because everyone in my family had an opinion and wanted to pick the winning name so OBVIOUSLY we ended up choosing the most BORING and CLASSIC name possible...BUDDY! Books about dogs say that the "puppy stage" lasts about 2 years but for Buddy it lasted about 3.5 almost 4. He ate my homework, chewed a library book, ate trash, and unfortunately baby birds, but we all made it through the puppy stage and he then became known as "Mellow Yellow". I would sit on top of him, dance with him, run around the yard, throw the rope, swim with him in a family friend's pond, and  when I was in St. Louis I loved coming home to his excitement, joy, and love. He was such a wonderful "big brother" when our family adopted Izzy, a lab mix, who had come from two abusive homes. He showed her the ropes and how to love our family. Our entire family and many friends loved, and still do love, Buddy, even Mom! He was definitely a family member and has been around for half of my life. I cannot imagine my childhood without him. 

     It is amazing how much can change in a month, he was totally healthy and in a few week's time he was super sick and the vet could not tell us why. He could hardly breathe, was not eating or drinking, and could barely move. The blood work gave us no answers, the urine test didn't either and we just knew it was time; he had lived a good 11 years and had been very happy. We decided to put him down on Monday and I have been crying for days. He will always be our "Buddy dog," the best friend we could have asked for. 

Izzy, Maggie, Princess (on the chair), me, and Buddy.